I Am Gone
by Yang Chun
Summary: While grieving over her best friend's suicide, Mei discovers a video sent to her by none other than the now-passed Cai Nguyen. The only thing left of Cai and her secrets behind her decision for everyone to see. Told in Mei's point of view.


I am a terrible author! I am so sorry for not updating my first story! I have no excuses for my forgetfulness.

Some of this may sound slightly familiar as I was inspired by "The Body of Christopher Creed" and the plot for "13 Reasons Why", but I tried my best to make it in a way that was my own and that represented all the thoughts and experiences that the protagonist is going through. I don't own Hetalia and it belongs to its creator.

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Nice, smart, tough, and sometimes frightening in sports, was what people would usually identify Cai as. Cai Nguyen. To most people, Cai was happy, maybe a little insecure, but also caring and kind, that's why it was so unexpected when we were all informed that she had died; committing suicide, to be exact. Overall, I was the one most shocked. My name's Mei Xiao, Cai's best and closest friend. To me, Cai was the only person that I could relate to. She was nice, but terribly insecure about herself. Even though she may have seemed 'happy' to everyone else, what she would say to me was the real truth. One of the things that she couldn't stand was the fact that she claimed she was 'invisible'. When she was feeling really down, she would sound very mopey, and tell me what was on her mind. To be honest, some of the things she told me, were things I don't think I can relate to. According to Cai, she was basically invisible, and that she faded into the background and became the wallpaper. Personally, I have no idea why she would feel bothered by this- I like to be transparent, that way I don't have to deal with the idiots in our class- but I listened anyway. Another thing that she talked about were the kids in our class. It's not as if she was a gossip, but I think it made her feel like she could get all the anger out of her system. She would tell me about how bad the girls in our class are- especially Lizzie and Natalya- and even described that one threatened to sue her. But none of that prepared me for the news I was about to hear.

It was Friday night, and I was home, with my annoying neighbor. That night, she decided that she would sleep over, and was giggling and showing me pictures of some male celebrity that she wanted to marry. I tried to ignore her, but she just became louder. Starting to get annoyed, I opened my email, only to see a message in my inbox labeled 'MUST SEE!'. I looked to see who it was from, when I spotted Cai's name in the corner. Naturally, I thought Cai had emailed me some funny picture she found online, and wanted to show me. Since I had thought that the email was pointless, and getting angrier by the second, I closed my email started to do my homework that was due Monday. Hey, it was better than being with my neighbor.

Nevertheless, when Monday came, we all were devastated to discover that Cai had died. I couldn't believe it at first. My best friend, the person who welcomed me and accepted me, died. What could be so bad that she would've done that? I felt my head start to spin as I felt the room go silent. Dead silent. The boys had their mouths hanging open, like fish, and the girls looked even more flabbergasted. But, even with the devastating news, Natalya seemed to recover from all her shock to as one of the most insensitive questions I have ever heard.

"Was she killed?" Natalya bluntly asked.

"How could you ask a question like that?" I shrieked; making my voice become squeaky and high-pitched.

"Mei, you don't have to be so rude," Natalya snapped at me. Natalya was one of those girls that neither Cai nor I could stand. She was a blonde- which really wasn't that uncommon since there isn't a lot of diversity at this school- and just had this arrogant aura surrounding her her. Cai told me that she was manipulative and shallow, but I'm not so sure if I believe the manipulative part.

"That's enough. I know we're all saddened by this, but we can't put the blame on someone else," Mrs. Evans spoke calmly for the class. "However, we don't know what happened, exactly. The information is still being discussed over."

"When did she die?" Lizzie asked. Lizzie has light brown hair and a bright emerald-like color for her eyes. To Cai, Lizzie was one of those pretty girls who thought highly of themselves. Cai also claimed that a notable amount of the boys have a crush on her, but I sometimes tune out when she said that. I honestly don't really know Lizzie to agree with Cai. Although, it didn't take a cosmetic to point out that Lizzie and a lot of those other girls wore endless amounts eyeliner and mascara.

"She died, late on Friday," Mrs. Evans explained. Wait, did she say Friday? That's when I felt my whole body go limp as I remembered the email she had sent to me. It must've been really important. Or was it about this?

I spend the rest of the day slowly fading in and out of classes. My attention was terrible, and I felt as though everything just stopped. It wasn't until I got home, did I finally show some of the tears I was holding back. It lasted around an hour, and then everything felt numb. Since there was nothing else to do, I opened my email to see the message that Cai had sent me. The note had been sent at four-thirty in the afternoon, so school had ended a little after. I took a deep breath, then, hesitantly, started to open my email. What must've been so important was a recording, or even a video. I clicked on it, and turned my volume down so that nobody else but me heard it.

**"To anyone this may concern," Cai's voice echoed through the speaker. It actually sounded happy- almost. More like faking a happy tone so people won't know how troubled she was feeling. It was actually almost comforting to hear her voice. Like she wasn't completely gone. But at the same time, it reminded me of how real this all seemed. **

**"I know you're probably wondering why I'm sending this to you, but there is something important that I need to tell you . . ." her voice became lower, showing what she was truly feeling. Could this possibly be linked to what had happened earlier? Is this why she sent me something at such a strange time? Why, Cai, why? I felt myself hold my breath as she continued her message. **

**"Whenever I'm feeling bad about myself, I try to make a list of things that are good about my personality. It's like this:**

**1. I'm not stupid like some of the other dorks in my class.**

**2. I have very strong Linguistic skills.**

**3. I'm very intelligent when it comes to geography.**

**4. I'm lucky to have a home and food.**

**5. I have a loving family.**

**6. I have nice eyes.**

**7. Even though I may not be winsome, I'm not homely either.**

**8. I'm quiet, so I won't have to worry about keeping my voice down.**

**9. I don't have a terrible reputation in school.**

**10. I have an awesome friend.**

**It sometimes helps, but after you do it a lot, it starts to become pointless. Do you ever feel like you just want to disappear? So you won't have to deal with the stupidity of school? With the all the boys swooning over the pretty girls, while they just seem to forget all the others? Or when no one listens to what you say despite your attempts to get their attention? Yeah, that's how I feel. It makes me want to vomit. I just wish it wouldn't be like that. But no, it does. Besides, it's not that any of the guys would find anything appealing in me, but in the superficial, shallow, egotistical, rude, snobby, prissy, down-right- I think you get my point here. Anyways, it's not as though I like anybody, but more that I'm just plain or not attractive in their eyes. Okay, I know I sound pretty pathetic, but it's true. I haven't told many people how I feel, so it's nice to get this off my chest. Do you ever sometimes feel like you're so . . . transparent, or that you fade into the background?" I couldn't stop my self from gasping. Those were the exact words she had used when she told me how she felt. I quickly resumed to my first state, and played the video.**

**"To most, this would sound surprising or even shocking- you know who you are- but to one or two people, they will understand, so kudos to them. On some occasions, I have truly spoken up about how people see me was invisible, but then they act clueless, like they would never have thought someone like me would feel that way. What a load of bull. I know what most of you are thinking, 'if you really feel that invisible, do something to get yourself noticed and stop moping and complaining'. Truth is, I ****have**** tried to make myself noticeable, I ****have**** tried to fit in with everybody else, not that anyone noticed. I still remember saying things, and trying to add to the discussion whenever I was in a group, but it seemed as though my words came in one ear, and out the other. Ever hear that quote where if you think about something long enough, you start to become that, well that happened to me. Of course I had Mei, but we didn't share that many classes, so it wasn't that surprising that I felt that way. From what I remember, that big group of pretentious girls who were always so close was such a hopeless effort to be a apart of unless you had to kowtow to their every whim and losing all of your self-dignity. Since I was quieter, not the funniest person, not the bubbliest person, or that I had no clue what twerking was, I had nothing to offer to their group. Not to mention that I don't have their luscious, blonde hair, but my straight, ebony hair and my almond-shaped eyes. Sometimes, I think that they do discriminate against me because I don't come from European decent. When I say girls, I don't mean everyone, only a selected few- you know who you are and if you don't, this is one reality check. By now, you're probably thinking 'yeah, we get it. Stop your pathetic complaining and get on with it' but the reason I'm telling you this is because I'm deciding to die . . ." I think just choked a little. Really? Cai's killing herself? Wait, no, she just said she was going to die, not commit suicide, right? Once my breathing went down, I hit the play button for her to finish.**

**"I know this sounds dramatic, but I've been going through a lot lately, not just with school, but I feel like I need to escape it all. It's been a while now, thinking about how to die. By the time most of you get this letter, I'll already be dead, without a single trace of me, except this video, left on Earth. To those who have been kind to me, thank you. I don't know if I would have been able to keep my sanity if it wasn't fir you all. I especially want to thank Mei for putting up with my nonsense. And to those who I clearly dislike, this isn't a guilt trip for you; that is, it isn't supposed go be. In short, I just want to explain to you all what really happens to me. To finally have something to say and not be afraid . . ." I could hear her voice cracking up. She was starting to cry.**

**"This will be the last you hear from me, and I'm sending this to Mei first. Then she will send it to whomever she wants, until the whole class sees. I just hope you all understand. Goodbye."**

The video came to an end as I sat there, in silence. So she really did it? Cai actually committed suicide. I felt like I wanted to punch something. But, instead, I crouched down on the floor and sobbed. If only I had opened that email earlier, I might've been able to convince her not to. But no. That wouldn't've worked. Cai was determined to do this and end everything. I started to wipe my eyes when I saw a little note that she had added. I took one last glance, and read through it.

_Mei,_

_Assuming you have just finished the video, I hope you understand what I'm doing and why. You've been such an amazing friend, and I feel like the worst for dumping even more crud on you, but I thought you should be the first to see this for yourself. Please, don't try to stop me. I've already made up my mind and I want it to be that way. The last thing I can ask of you is to send this to someone else in our class. I want everyone to know this. Maybe it is to rub it in their faces how bad they were to me. Or just make them understand me- the real me. I will always cherish our friendship, but it's time for me to go. I hope you get this, and. I hope that neighbor of yours isn't being a pain in the neck, again._

_Love,_

_Cai Nguyen_

I wiped my tears eye, and pressed the send button so that it will now go to Emma. I flopped back on my bed and tried to lull whatever emotion was making my heart ache.

Apparently, the letter that I had sent, spread like a wildfire. I slowly walked into homeroom, alone, to see people talking quietly. It was when I flipped through my book, did I realize that a group of people were pointing at me and mouthing something like 'email'. Of course, they were blaming me. I turned my head to give them a threatening glare, but the only thing I saw was a flood of remorse. It seemed as though nearly all of the class was looking back on the times that they had said or done something bad to Cai. I also caught Natalya or one of those freaks saying that Cai was only looking for attention. I started to clench my knuckles. No, that wasn't her at all. Cai would never be that desperate for attention to commit suicide. Maybe I could have done something to prevent this, but that is probably what most of the class is thinking. Cai, I sincerely hope you're happy.


End file.
